I think perhaps for sanity I just need to make myself do this, whether what I write is any good, whether it makes any sense, whether anyone reads it or comments -- after all how do you know something was read if it was done in silence?
Today Thanksgiving, the start of the holiday season. I think R was serious this morning when he said that since Thanksgiving was so late this year we could go get a tree. Now? Are you serious? That's the last thing I want, the last thing I think we need. M leaves on Sunday and won't return til maybe a week or so before Christmas and that I think is soon enough for a tree.
Fortunately it appears that trees are not on M's radar.
I like the idea of a tree though not necessarily a "Christmas" tree; they are green and they smell nice. In fact I have really always hated fake trees though we did -- for 1 year - have a fake tree bc it was on sale as a large pre-lit tree for about $40 the day after Thanksgiving several years ago. With 12 foot ceilings and a kid who wanted a big tree to fit the space we were having to shop and look hard to find a tree big enough for her that was also affordable. In that light, a $40 tree was about the same as we'd been paying for 12-ft trees plus it was already lit. M wasn't esp happy with it and neither was I. A fake tree is not a tree, period.
I guess most kids want a big tree and all that -- I suppose my view of all this stuff is neither the usual nor the best. But we have always made do and somehow muddle through. R likes Christmas well enough and M has always loved it and there is no doubt in my mind we will go buy a tree at some point this year, hopefully not for another several weeks. The fake tree flooded in Ike anyway and is long gone so that's not an option anyway.
But the day went ok right up until it was time to eat. Eating was the last thing I wanted to do but if I didn't eat it would be an issue for R and M and making another problem to deal with was not anything I was up for either. I like to cook and I made everything M wanted and everything R likes, and managed to keep the dishes more right-sized, and then it was time to eat and I was done. It just hit me like a boulder ... and I don't exactly know what it was. Certainly I never saw it coming. I guess it's a combination of stuff ... having left a job where I loved the work ad the people but hated the hours, at 80 every week it was killing me, now I have a brain numbing contract I was happy to get for the pay (on the low end of low but more than nothing) and I hate it. I have to work 37 hrs/wk and they want 45, but to fit this in there's not much time for much else. Which seems like it should be fine bc I don't do anything anyway when I'm not working -- other than running around being very busy to try to find work but nothing accomplished, nothing of consequence -- but Tuesday I worked til 9 p and that is later than ever I left the office when I had a real job. Contract work you can't take or do at home so it makes the hours in a way longer if that's possible.
Where this started is that maybe if I make myself write on a more regular basis it will make things some easier, or some things easier ... now I have to get off my butt and quit being so damn lazy and write.
Why not write if I like it?
Probably I could come up with all kinds of answers I shouldn't write, shouldn't take the time or space, whatever, but I won't.
So maybe it's just the upset in schedule, the much greater difficulty of finding work than ever I expected when I quit my job, the diciness of no idea if or when I might get work... and then Christmas. It's been so many years since there's been any reason to not like Christmas, so there's no reason for me to have any issue with the season. I know that, I'm not stupid; then again, I know that and still it gets to me so I guess I'm not so smart either.
My routine boring sluggish lard-filled life today, no different probably than most others.
Now or never
1 day ago