I do think this is to some extent an advert as the video as I watched had a link to click to iTunes to buy a song and for that I apologize. I cold not find thi content without the advert but I the link does go away as you watch and it's not an obtrusive ad. Nothing obnoxious.
I still wish he'd been healthy and able to appear in concert on August 1. I've got nothing against Counting Crows or Augustana -- it was a really good show. Anyone who can pull it off starting a Houston concert over an hour late when we're all on hot concrete, no tents, shade or fans -- and have everyone stay to finish off a concert when it's still in 95 degrees, bats flying around (some of those folks youda thought someone's trying to feed em to a kimodo dragon) -- by rallying the vote and civic responsibility when there are no upcoming elections, passing out voter registration cards, and then playing "This Land is Your Land" AND getting most everyone to sing along (it was sad how many people knew none of the words, probably never even heard the song) -- I have to say it was a really good concert but I was really looking forward to Frant.
Maybe he's playing Voodoo Fest in NOLA but the Meg who's now at Tulane has a decidedly different idea about us going to concerts together. She used to like going together. Our first concert was Linkin Park with Incubus, Hoobastank and someone else; we're standing in line for t-shirts and the girls in front of us, older than Meg but young enough I could be their mom said, and I quote, "You have the coolest mom ever." They were not entirely sober but it didn't keep me from reminding Meg how "cool" I was. But now I think any "coolness" i may have had has worn off and I'm just the old lady who writes checks, deposits them in her account, whose name is on the credit card she has "for emergencies" -- you'd be surprised what passes for an emergency these days -- and who therefore pays the credit card. So anyway she's growing up and good for her - so far so good -- and seems to have no interest in going to any concerts with me. It's not like she can't drink or do pretty much whatever else she wants -- after her junior yr of HS in Poland complete with tattoos, facial piercings, other piercings, smoking, drinking and other extracurriculars she had to scrub all mentions of from her FB -- I don't know what it is she thinks she can't do if we went together to a concert. Nor do I want to go to a concert by myself, or alone. R says he'd go and he would, god love em, because it's something I want to do. But he'd be miserable, the heat would be hard on him, physically it'd be a challenge so ... I think the reality is simply that M, despite me, managed to grow up and raise herself and is becoming her own person. That's all I wanted -- for her to thrive and be her own person, independent, pasionate, curious, smart, skeptical and questioning, self aware, a world citizen, to feel and to know she's loved and to never settle. Boy did I screw up, immeasurably and continually.
Should M ever find this I need not expand any further but there's a lot of guilt and shame for a lot of things, things I've never told and can't gauge other than to feel worse. It's not like I have any role models -- only two of my friends have kids this age or older,, one has a 2-year old and the rest have none. It's not the kind of stuff R likes to talk about and he is such a great dad ... no doubt he saved M from me but I just didn't know how to parent. My "need" to compare my parenting to others, to ask how to fix or limit damage from my actions and those of other to whom she was exposed, for a sounding board, doesn't justify even the small (I hope it's small) chance she finds and reads this. Still despite my shortcomings and failures as a parent and a lot -- way too much -- adversity she had to face, M is one really phenomenal kid.
I guess I get it that she no longer wants to go to a concer with me. It's ok to go to concerts together -- even all 3 of us -- in August but two months later, in October, a concert together is out of the question. I guess I should really just be glad that she's more and more becoming her own person, not that she was ever anything other than her own person. It's not like she ever really needed me either so it's not about feeling unneeded now.
So anyway I'll look some more for a Franti concert I can make, visiting youtube and cranking up the iPod in the meantime.
And I realize none of this has anything to do with anything except that I found the video while looking for concert info ... Voodoo Fest coincides with Halloween and Tulane gives the kids off that Friday so they can go to the concerts and not miss class so if ...
but I guess that ship has sailed so ...
In the time of elegies
1 hour ago