Tuesday, December 22, 2009

floating away

no matter what things eventually roll around, so here it is again that time of year. Seems more insidious this year - perhaps that Thanksgiving was so late, that Meg was away and only came home last week - but all of a sudden it is the week that comes with that most magical day, Christmas Day. Suddenly, for reasons I don't understand, there are job postings and even some interviews scattered around. Do I think I will be hired? Not in the least. For the most part resumes and applications aren't even acknowledged. The weather has matched for the most part my usual melancholic ambivalence - 9 days of rains and fog, with the sun out for 2 glorious days and now another 2 sullen soggy days, the skies lowering into the smelly dirty old town. I have a list for Meg and have done nothing at all. Tomorrow. I was going to go today but had an interview that included tests. Either I am really stupid or there are folks making up tests for incomprehensible reasons. There were actually 8 questions requiring me to complete the sentence with either capitol or capital, and another 8 or so dealing with proper use of there, their and they're. I'd hope to have passed the grammar portion but I don't think the whole thing went very well. Whatever. I guess when they are asked "what do you know about "x" and I answered that I didn't really know much in the way of specifics but had a good grasp of the field in general it was probably about time for me to leave then. But I did have a perfectly good job, good enough, and I chose to leave, and other than being flat broke I don't really regret it.
It is hard to get used to not having a set job, just trying to pick up whatever I can find that anyone will hire me for. I have pretty much had a paycheck since I was in 6th grade and this lack of independence, lack of control (i know it wasn't really control but it wasn't whatever this is) is hard getting used to. I buy $10 of gas rather than a tank bc now i understand that having that extra $20 for the next 7-10 days is better than having a full tank of gas that I won't need or use in that time frame.
Most unnerving, and really I don't think it procrastination, is I have no idea what I want to do. Not true really -- I know and have all sorts of ideas about what I'd like to do but none are realistic. Drummer in a rock-n-roll band, maybe a wailer too; cook in a restaurant; paint, write, create; garden. No one pays for any of that, not at my very low to non-existent skill levels in these areas. Heck, I can't even decide if or what colors to paint the house and god knows it could use some paint and a lot of other little stuff requiring more by way of labor than money in order to finish covering up the flood damage. Isn't that ridiculous -- I do know some of the colors I'd like but I have no motivation to go pick it out much less put a brush to it. Ironically, I think the fact that I have no job actually makes it harder to get off my butt and do things like that. I run around all the time doing nothing, accomplishing nothing but in the end having no time it seems to actually do anything. I guess I need to set a project and just do it. I was going to make myself write more but look where I got with that - now twice in a month I have put a bunch of crap here. I have a $50 i-tunes card I haven't used in over a month -- even music isn't motivating or energizing. All that music and nothing to move me. More proactive, more structure is probably in order. A book to read, a journal to write so as to get my head out of this giant mess of congealed oatmeal that sucks out all the thought and feeling, leaving an empty cast for wandering. No, I don't feel depressed, not usually although sometimes frustration is close at hand. How weird to be this old and married and a parent and supposedly educated and half smart and have not a clue about anything, to feel totally unmoored and floating far and away, no idea even what direction the wind is blowing.
Get to it, she said.
And then?
Well I guess there's some merit to this writing bc now I'm ready i think to write but the animals think it's more properly time for them to be fed. So I will go and be caring for a few moments and then ...

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houston, tx, United States

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