Saturday, July 11, 2009

an upcoming adventure

Today is the first day I don't eally have to work bc I know I'm not there long ... I didn't give notice bc the boss wasn't there yesterday; I emailed to see if she had a few minutes to talk, then she called me up and chewed me out ("I'm really disappointed in your lack of leadership," (but I am not in any leadership position) and "I can't tell you how disappointed I am" - after she's spent at least 10 minutes telling me what a disappointment I am bc I declined to try a case after learning the reason given for why someone else had to try the case was a lie) ... i did tell her i was done but i don't think she got it. Too bad - she can be a nice person but i think being management overwhelms her. Would not leadership better focus on why another lawyer lied about a conflict preventing him from trying his case, rather than being disappointed in me when I discover the case is not (never was) going to trial on Monday and never was a conflict?
I have finally figured out -- after being told for many years and knowing it but yet still being needed for my willingness to be dumped on -- that there is no reward for doing a good job and doing well, offering to help anytime anyone needs help, unless having more demands and being given more work is a reward. It's not.
I don't know that I've ever really worked any job where the paycheck was the big motivator -- of course a paycheck is necessary and can make some things easier but it's not worth a paycheck to be in this situation. Not anymore -- I just can't handle it
I end up with little or no family time, and with M off to Tulane in August and R having not the best health it's not like there will be any more time any time soon. I assume anyone wants to spend time with me - I probably wouldn't if I were them but it's no secret they (like most people) are nicer than me. Nor is there any time for photos (something R and I like to do together when we can), art, writing, reading, thinking, just being.
Forget about gardening and house -- the house is still not back together after Ike, almost a year later, the garden is rampantly weedy, in desperate need of care. I don't feel at home in this house with all that still needs done after Ike -- and home is really important, it's our family space and in the end what is there but home and family? Everything's in boxes -- books, things collected traveling that remind of family, memories, our stories. Things that make a box named house into a home for family. Lots of things yet to done to overcome Ike - so much isn't hard but for time is needed -- and now I'll have some. It'll be done eventually ... but i need it sooner, I feel displaced, homeless even. I know how stupid it is -- I have a house, but house is not home; I can't explain it but the two don't equate.
I digress
I quit my job for many reasons. I decided at the beginning of the year to have better work/life balance, meaning I wouldn't be there by year's end and now the time seems right. There are no jobs, I'm no one's demographic, but there will be something. A friend has some contract work as I decide what's next, and I can tackle the house one small project at a time. And the garden too.
The garden is starving, or was until I realized we'd never fed it (Miracle Gro to the rescue - amazing what that does). Some early tomatoes (I think they'll carry to fall), a very few strawberries (but the plants are grwoing well now), a few herbs but no peppers, potatoes, cukes, squash, corn. Now we're on to a few resentful eggplant, some okra here and there, ... the promise of lots of melons, they love the heat. The asparagus is going but it's too early ... several years before we know...roses, gingers, avocados and flowering vines to plant, waiting in relative shade, needing more care than I've had time to give...
Am I taking on to much? Perhaps. But I don't want to waste time either, eventually i'll be back to some regular job. But for now ... it's time to play with photos, write, paint, read ... breathe, be.

1 comment:

brtom said...

Ah! a big step ... may it lead you to much long deep breathing ... many wonderful future days ... and heaps of great photos, poems, tomatoes, and to-be-seen whatevers of home.

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