a few questions

why must we play games, even when we don't know what takes us in are games and given a conscious choice would decline to play?
Who decided these games were so important to our ordered civilization that we had to engage or perish?
Why is it that if we can't or won't play we become further removed from ourselves and our brothers?
Who wrote the rules, where are they written and when will I learn them?
Maybe I will never learn the rules -- then what?

If I am gone will you know?
Who will look to see if I still am anywhere?
If I cannot be found how long can I be gone before anyone wonders, if they do?
What will they say when I'm gone and it's real, when we cannot talk or touch or ask anymore?

When I'm gone and here no more where will I be?
... will I be?
How will I recognize this self in another place if I don't know now -- whether through denial or otherwise, this self so well?
Does it matter that we know the selves that make us up?

If there are selves elsewhere not here will we know of them, will they know us?
Will we know ourselves better when we leave here?
How do you know if you're whole?
Does it matter if you get whole or not -- and why?
What does it matter to be splinters or whole, to know the difference ... it is just self centered ignorance, right?

Sacrifice is wrong ... is it idolatry? An insult to god? Ignorance ...
Suicide is wrong ... but exactly why ... really?
If there I meet 18 strangers will any of them be such as I have met before?

If I want to be right with god must I be right with others first? With whom must I be right to be right with god? and what if god says "fuck you?" It would't be the first time ... but if god never said that then who was it?
Once he was here I am sure but why did he leave? What did I do?
What did I say? I didn't mean it ... maybe I did but only when he'd already left me there alone

If Christianity says ... what DOES Christianity say? I don't even like the word "Christianity" -- here especially it can have so many negative connotations.

Must I go to church, a church, some church, any church ... to be right with god?
Must I go to church that says I cannot belong and cannot participate fully and cannot be part of the communion of the church because ... there are plenty of "becauses" which perhaps are beside the point. Or no?

May I go to a church that says I cannot belong and fully participate if i think they are wrong? Or is that an oxymoron waiting to happen -- is it even possible to do such a thing?

Most churches -- all? -- require confession of sin ... what is it really? I know my actions, or most of them, and of some I know more and of others little ... denial and self-inflicted wilful ignorance probably, but what makes an act or participation or presence into sin?

What do you know when you know nothing at all?
What do you do when you know nothing at all?

And where does faith come from?
Why do you have faith and I do not though once I did, at least I think I did.
Was it taken or did I set it aside?
Where did it go, and where is it now?
What did I ever do to have faith that now I am not and have not for so long?
I have been told i need only to want, to desire, to be open ...
as deeply as i want, so much as a desire and need ... there is nothing.

What to do?