Wednesday, April 22, 2009

empty and done

this is not a good time - big deal. I was hopeful this time last week, some things made some sense, the world looked good, I felt maybe there was a little place I could fit into. There are mirages in the desert too and wanderers thirst to death trying to reach the oasis. I once learned from another how mean and selfish are certain acts and so no matter how much it might occur to me I could never -- I don't think -- be so cold and heartless and selfish, so uncaring to people I love. It kind of sucks -- in a way -- back when I saw no other way and that was the relief i sought that same one punished for me being that person; a person that the other became. That person took away my option when I saw what such acts do to people around you. Sometimes I'm mad that option was taken but on the other hand I would never want to do to anyone what was done to us. Still this is one of htose times I am mad he took my option. He didn;t take it - he showed it for what it really is I guess but really, everyone's different and mine might be different, a relief for more than me. I feel trapped, fragile, on edge. I don;t know why. I don't know what to do, what I can do ... other than these same things...isolation is good and isolation is bad. No matter. I'm here, we're here. Maybe there's a reason other than the internal struggle and trying to make sense of things and our place - if any. Maybe not. I don't want to give up before I know. But I am tired. I want to go to sleep and stay there.
It strikes me at times with more force than at others that I may never know, that I may be just on my own to wait it out. But how long am I supposed to wait? Where is everyone? What did I do, other than the obvious that some say I didn't do and others say I am in fact responsible for? Right now I am so mad that my eternal always when it gets so bad option was taken ... but I guess there's a reason for that. Probably no good reason but a reason no difference.
I thought I would come back from NY with insight and some sort of renewal based on stuff I read and things maybe I figured out but somewhere, somehow, that all went out the window. Incommunicado for a very long time sounds good. Forever. Away from all of this where I can't screw up, I can't be judged, I can't remember. But if away is where I went -- gone and out -- perhaps it would be nothing but judgment, screw ups, and rememberings. And I guess at that point there would be no more options. Tired of crying and of trying to not cry, of feeling alone and trying to not feel alone. Just plain tired, empty almost -- all of a sudden out of nowhere, for no reason. If I cant' move forward, I want to be done.
Perhaps this is nothing to put here, perhaps I will delete it. Most likley it will go unread but this is for me anyway; I fell off a cliff and I don't know why. I thought others were there to jump with me and that we all had parachutes but no, that's not it. No chutes here.

1 comment:

brtom said...

No parachutes ... but no cliffs either ...

from King Lear: edgar has allowed his blind father to believe that he has jumped off a cliff : when father comes out of a faint, son (in guise of one who watched the fall from below) says:

Hadst thou been aught but gossamer, feathers, air,
So many fathom down precipitating,
Thou'dst shiver'd like an egg: but thou dost breathe;
Hast heavy substance; bleed'st not; speak'st; art sound.
Ten masts at each make not the altitude
Which thou hast perpendicularly fell:
Thy life's a miracle. Speak yet again.

There's lots to be said about that moment, but cling to the last line:

Thy life's a miracle. Speak yet again.Your life IS a miracle ... even if circumstances blind you to it ... it is

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