Monday, January 19, 2009

scavenger memory

“Like those birds that lay their eggs only in other species’ nests, memory produces in a place that does not belong to it… Memory comes from somewhere else, it is outside of itself, it moves things about.”
Michel de Certeau The Practice of Everyday Life, pp. 86-87

I started this a while back and left it to edit -- b/c i had nothing to say about it but the quote was striking. That was almsot a month ago and still I am nothing.
I have nothing to say.
I am one of no imortance in any way, I have no relevance. Why am i here and why would it matter if i figured it out? Where does this narcissism spring from -- i never thought of myself as narcissistic but i have never been accused of being particularly self-aware. No one cares what i think or feel -- some may say otherwise but my insignificance, my relative lack of worth, my lack of anything to contribute establishes otherwise. I do not say this as anything other than matter of factly; I am small and impotent like so many others, just one of many, with nothing special to offer nad no particular qualities to aid in any endeavor of merit.
The whole miserable world is going quickly to hell and other than Obama and his crew throwing billions at it, what effort is there? Social justice? Absolutely but as a product of government funded programs? They never work; people need to be empowered, in control, steering themselves the direction they want and need to go. But nobody cares, at least relatively speaking. Of all the millions and billions of in the world so very few seem to care or want to be bothered by anything not contributing directly to their comfort. Let me be clear -- i'm no better. Nothing I do matters and should I die tomorrow only a very few people would notice or care, or even pretend to care -- because nothing I do is of any significance, does nothing to make the world a better place. I -- like probably everyone else -- have all sorts of reasons for my self-centered laziness; I need to focus on getting hurricane damage repaired; I have to keep my job b/c despite the relativley low pay the benefits are great and M is starting college this fall (and I never really set up the necessary college fund); I'm drained physically, mentally and emotionaly -- but who cares? Will I really be any less tired or less drained if I just got off my butt and did one little thing that mattered to even one person? How egotistical - what makes me think I have anything to offer or can make any difference? For many if not most I will do what is asked but not because I am so vain as to think I can make a difference --- I do what is asked because you asked; that is all the reason one shold need I think.
The real reason for my utter uselessness -- I am totally empty and have been for some time. I have no idea where my insides went and, though perhaps some curious at times, I don't have the energy to care that once more I find myself empty ... empty is a place I've lived much of my life but I sense it's not really a good place to be, cut off from everything/everyone, and moving from empty to not has never been a very graceful process...
No, I am really not feeling sorry for myself; just trying to figure out why I am here when others are not, what I'm supposed to do -- or is even that grossly egotistical and narcissistic, to think there is some purpose I'm to fulfil? Maybe I am here to just hang out til I die .. what is the point in that?

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