not is heard here but then

A truth matter
of tinny sounds
how easy to lose
songs they come
through the air,
then go
passing by one
another me.
Sometimes to infinity and not,
not to return
others stay for a while.
I have in Texas
hear some old friends
loitering
with your ghost heart.
That one there is
pretty nice
the words ...
I don't know
the music the final
frontiers, nothing transcends.
Even moving five states away
just one listen blows us
back this way.
Music so clear it sees
right through everything
I do.

got it

I think perhaps for sanity I just need to make myself do this, whether what I write is any good, whether it makes any sense, whether anyone reads it or comments -- after all how do you know something was read if it was done in silence?
Today Thanksgiving, the start of the holiday season. I think R was serious this morning when he said that since Thanksgiving was so late this year we could go get a tree. Now? Are you serious? That's the last thing I want, the last thing I think we need. M leaves on Sunday and won't return til maybe a week or so before Christmas and that I think is soon enough for a tree.
Fortunately it appears that trees are not on M's radar.
I like the idea of a tree though not necessarily a "Christmas" tree; they are green and they smell nice. In fact I have really always hated fake trees though we did -- for 1 year - have a fake tree bc it was on sale as a large pre-lit tree for about $40 the day after Thanksgiving several years ago. With 12 foot ceilings and a kid who wanted a big tree to fit the space we were having to shop and look hard to find a tree big enough for her that was also affordable. In that light, a $40 tree was about the same as we'd been paying for 12-ft trees plus it was already lit. M wasn't esp happy with it and neither was I. A fake tree is not a tree, period.
I guess most kids want a big tree and all that -- I suppose my view of all this stuff is neither the usual nor the best. But we have always made do and somehow muddle through. R likes Christmas well enough and M has always loved it and there is no doubt in my mind we will go buy a tree at some point this year, hopefully not for another several weeks. The fake tree flooded in Ike anyway and is long gone so that's not an option anyway.
But the day went ok right up until it was time to eat. Eating was the last thing I wanted to do but if I didn't eat it would be an issue for R and M and making another problem to deal with was not anything I was up for either. I like to cook and I made everything M wanted and everything R likes, and managed to keep the dishes more right-sized, and then it was time to eat and I was done. It just hit me like a boulder ... and I don't exactly know what it was. Certainly I never saw it coming. I guess it's a combination of stuff ... having left a job where I loved the work ad the people but hated the hours, at 80 every week it was killing me, now I have a brain numbing contract I was happy to get for the pay (on the low end of low but more than nothing) and I hate it. I have to work 37 hrs/wk and they want 45, but to fit this in there's not much time for much else. Which seems like it should be fine bc I don't do anything anyway when I'm not working -- other than running around being very busy to try to find work but nothing accomplished, nothing of consequence -- but Tuesday I worked til 9 p and that is later than ever I left the office when I had a real job. Contract work you can't take or do at home so it makes the hours in a way longer if that's possible.
Where this started is that maybe if I make myself write on a more regular basis it will make things some easier, or some things easier ... now I have to get off my butt and quit being so damn lazy and write.
Why not write if I like it?
Probably I could come up with all kinds of answers I shouldn't write, shouldn't take the time or space, whatever, but I won't.
So maybe it's just the upset in schedule, the much greater difficulty of finding work than ever I expected when I quit my job, the diciness of no idea if or when I might get work... and then Christmas. It's been so many years since there's been any reason to not like Christmas, so there's no reason for me to have any issue with the season. I know that, I'm not stupid; then again, I know that and still it gets to me so I guess I'm not so smart either.
My routine boring sluggish lard-filled life today, no different probably than most others.

bewildered

All politics suck, at least if you're not a politician. And I obviooulsy am not a politician, just a person who thinks she can do a better job and is willing to take it on, but the price of admission to just apply is politics.
Especially in terms of writingand such, I had gotten used to being able to come here and write, even though no one ever read it. Now I'm afraid someone will somehow find it and link it so I'm not sure the wisdom of continuing to blog here. Even if no one read it, there as a place to write and in fairness, an odd comment here and there. It's just kind of solitary to have no place to write freely, no one to share with even if the person(s) with whom anything was shared were purely imaginary ... the point -- in part -- is that I did put it there and t cold be read and commented on was anyone so inclined.
So am I willing to continue this path? It may be that the real shot for me at a campaign is 2012, which we can start in June 2011. I don't know; Randy and friends are nothing but supportive but being isolated in a strait jacket -- unable to write and communicate freely -- I just don't know.
There's something about the fact of putting it out there for whoever stumbles upon it (which i know is close to 0 folks) that's different than keeping notebooks tucked away. An act of faith if you will, in a sense...

collecting signatures

so a friend of a friend is helping me campaign. I hate politics and politicing -- it's not my thing. However it is the only way to be elected as as Texas insists on electing its judges in partisian races, ... we have a lot of totally unqualified folks parading as judges and it is a nasty political process.

Q: How can you be a judge if you never even tried a case?
A: Move to Texas and be a better politician than ever you were a lawyer

SO if it's so bad why bother? Because it's so bad.
That being said I went to a tea party thing today and actually it was pretty nice. There was a huge one last Monday that I didn't go to, and this seems to have been by all counts a lot tamer. It was more like a July 4th event than a pack event and I did get some signatures (only 900 to go) ...

What if I had gone and it was totally extreme and angry? I don't know, I probably would have left.
I'm not sure what the breakdown is for states that appoint and states that elect, or which states have partisian races for judges and which don't but this really is not a very good system. Not that appointment is necessarily a good thing either - the guy who lost the seat I'm running for was appointed and he is by all counts a perfectly nice and decent guy, Eagle scout, etc. but he was never a trial lawyer. Maybe that's why he lost last year. I guess he would disagree since he is my primary opponent, and he has about $20,000 already ...
I guess it's just politics -- he lost last time so they (including the republican party) give him thousands of dollars to run again against the same guy he lost to last time? Too bad I'm not a white guy with a lot of money who works in a big firm that has a lot of money ...

politics sucks, esp the democrats

in one of the most populous states/counties/cities we do things in a feudal fashion. State-wide and City elections are non-partisian, but everyone knows the party affiliation of everyone else. Judicial elections are partisian. Elected city officials are elected for the purpose of shaping policy, enacting laws, steering the community one way or another so theoretically party bona fides are relevant (at least as the current political system is understood). Judges specifically do not ever shape policy and never enact any law. The job of a judge is to apply the law fairly to everyone, making the courtroom a level playing field regardless of party affiliation, race, sexual orientation, gender, income, etc. Yet we must run as either a democrat or as a republican and while i am neither, i thought i was willing to pick one for the purpose of running. I am much closer to 50 than not and guess i should have known after being in the field for 20 years yet still i was taken aback by the stated reasoning of the democratic leaders that i should run against a more experienced lawyer who actually has tried cases and not run against a younger inexperienced lawyer -- who has never tried a case in her life - for the simple reason that the democrats think there should be as many black females on the ballot as possible. So the experienced lawyer is an older whote male and the one who never tried a single case is a young black girl ...
Why run? because it's the only way to get the job. And why would I want that job? Decent pay, good benefits ... and oh yeah, because I'd be really good at it.
How is this little girl expected to rule in trial when she herself has never even tried a case? How can she make the rulings that need to be made when she has never even made an objection in trial? More than that, why do the democrats think it should matter my race when no one disputes that this other girl is not qualified in the least?
I gave them a check and I will stop payment. Maybe I'm not a republican but i sure as hell am not going to support or be a part of that group of bigots who call themselves democrats.